Heart(breaking)Process

Wow.

I am so stressed out.

Finals are almost here. I can't believe its been three months since i last wrote...it seems like an eternity since then.

I got involved with this man, a bad choice, i might add, and it has COMPLETELY backfired on me. He was with another girl at the time, but they were pretty much over, so i thought talking to him wouldn't be a problem. Big no, no.


Now not only did he break my heart, but his girl (whom might i add, he is still with) fights with him cuz of me. Since he lives with Big Daddy, i can't go spend time at my Daddy's house, and the other night he had to walk about 3 miles home in the RAIN because him and his should-be wife were fighting at a restaurant. she left him there.

Smart move, i might add.

The worse part: i work with him. What was i thinking! This is wrong on sooo many levels.

This is how love should be...

Ok.
I take RE*
sponsability
for the wrong
i've done.

I
hurt you.
You
hurt me.

I can't
TAKE
it back
like i would
if this was uno.
or chess.
or erase if
we were
PLAYing
with chalk
and not each-
other's hearts.

I'm sorry.

It was never
*good* enough
to hurt this
bad.

Now i'm
mad,
and you're mad.
i slap you
you get in my
face.
(not my pants
or my head)

I'm sorry.

i want to
fix this.
i must
fix
things.

Just leave me
alone.
i don't want to
hear your exuses.
or lies.
or how you saw her the
other
night.

Don't you see
i didn't mean
to do any of
this.

I'm sorry.

It's your FAULT
too. Don't you know
that.

Stop blaming me.
Get AWAY from me!
That's right,
transfer.
Please
do.

I can't Hand
le the look
in your
eyes.
I can't Stand
how you talk
to me
seriously, shut
up.

If you're
*so mad*
about it all,
if you *love* her
so much,
if you *reject*
me too-
then just forget
me.
Go A
way.

I'm sorry.

OUCH!!


thats all i can really say.
it hurts too bad.



i think the first one
must
stay
with
you



SO HEAL ME

Apologies Wrapped Around Words

Yesterday i went shopping with a great friend.
So much fun.

But do you ever say something you didnt mean? its like it just jumps out of your mouth with the intent purpose of embarrassing you. ((and the potential of very bad ramifications))
it happens all too much for me....
"this will fit you, its huge!"

I think the words themselves speak volumes. There's really no way to justify them, except that they really were meant in the best way they could be meant.....is that possible?
It was a hat, so it really wasnt like i was saying she was fat
and the more i try to make it better, the worse it sounds.
So i'll just shut up.

I just really feel aweful.

On a lighter note, did you know aweful used to mean something full of awe? My English Proff would still insist it does, but you get the drift. its funny how things change.

And its funny how they go from something so totally amazing that it takes your breathe away, to something terrible.

All i ever wanted was to be happy, but there's this ghost of past memories lingering over me...
I saw a myspace status.
So simple, right?
And yet, it really did cut me up

"cant wait to go mini golfing with Cameron, Kristina, and Gabriel"

Has he moved on?
He's supposed to, but with some ugly bitch with scraggle teeth and messed up hair.
Not with Kristina.
They were supposed to have ''done it" while we were going out.
In the bathroom.
At work.

He almost lost his job, but they studied the tapes and saw he didnt.
so i believed him.
And her.

And now they're playing put put, or mini golf or watever, and i still miss him.

I really do.
I wanna win him back.

I miss the way he would kiss me
and his touch, like little kisses all over my body
His skin so soft and rich
The skanky tat that said "PRAY"
The irony written all over him
His tiny ways of lettin me know i was beautiful.

Am i as beautiful now, as i was then?
Does beauty change for lack of the observer?




A rose by any other name...

(Am) i

(Am) i Beau
tiFUL of life
and stunning
S
T
U
N
N
I
N
G

like a star
a smile
a kiss
a breeze

That is all

NEED

i (want) to be:
take

your
breath

A-
way

Of Butterflies and Unseen Sunsets

Its so funny...
Beauty is all around us, just waiting to be seen.

I went into work today, all huddled up in coats and scarves, and sleepily got ready to clock in.
But midst all the hustle and drudge of working, there is still so much beauty.

Today i saw softness in a man i thought was colder than ice.
Today i felt comfort in the kindness of a friend
Today i reached out to someone new
Today i listened to a friend's hurting heart
Today i saw the beauty...

And i hope i do tomorrow.